I feel the need to write about my experiences and failures as a mother. Yesterday, I had a brutal headache. I decided to give up coffee and it is now day 3 and my body is punishing me. Advil doesn't cut it, so after hours in front of the computer editing, folding laundry and mopping th kitchen floor, I had enough and went to pick up the kids from school.
My oldest son, Jatin, is in 4th grade. He is very smart but also very lazy. He does only what is asked of him and sometimes not even that. I am very different. I work hard, try hard and give the extra 10%. I don't understand or except anything less so when I heard that J was having a hard time turning in his homework and being focused in class I started questioning him. He didn't like that one bit. "Why are you being so mean?" I got asked more than once? Was I being mean or being a mom? Where was the divide?
A bit of our family background. My husband and I have been married for 10 years. He works a lot. about 60+ hours each week and is not home for any meal Monday-Friday. I am left to care for the home, errands and children all alone. I make it sounds bad but it isnt, it was our agreement. I'm a bit of a control freak about my kids anyways. He would work and I would be the homemaker. It works for us but there are days when I need his support and I can't even get him on the phone. Yesterday I could have used his support.
After about an hour of arguing and pleading for him to focus on his work, I lost it. I'm human, I have my limits. I yelled, I cried, I took away all of his fun stuff. Lego's, Wii, iPad, his room. Yes, I took away his room. He now has to share with his brother. I felt so betrayed that my child would be so disrespectful to me and my home. We've had the issue of J just being mean for the past few weeks. I chalked it up to growing pains but maybe it is something more. I can't get to the bottom of it. I remember 4th grade, I remember my friends, my school, my challenges, I do not remember having such a hard time staying out of trouble.
It is very hard for me to be on social media at times. Pics of mommies and their perfect kids, always smiling and doing the right thing. I question why my kids aren't always on their best behavior? Am I such a bad person? Absolutely not. Social Media is NOT real life, it is the life you want everyone to think you have. We selectively post pics of our kids smiling not melting down. Us mom's cooking dinner not burning the dinner. It is damn near impossible to keep up. I felt like a failure last night not keeping my emotions, my frustrations under control. Am I living in a bubble? Raising kids in this day is so very difficult and even more difficult if we try to hold ourselves up to those on the net. I'm done. I'm human and a damn good mother. I know I am, I should feel comfortable with my choices. After all the boys slept intertwined all night and woke up happy....... happy to be together as one.
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