We have finished our Foster Care classwork. We are now in the process of getting our license #, than fingerprints, our in-home interviews and state inspection. When all of that is complete we will have our license and will be available for placement (in about 4 months).
The classes were exhausting. Every Saturday for 7 weeks from 9am-4pm we would cram into a classroom at
WLACC and go over the "manual" on how to be a
decent Foster or Adoptive Parent. We had a pretty good mix of people in our group. Single men and woman, infertile couples, older parents who's children have left the house, grandparents who have too many open bedrooms needing to be filled with laughter, same sex couples and us. We were kind of in a category all to ourselves as we have young children, are extremely fertile and just want to help a child or 100 children feel safe while mommy is working things out. We don't need another child to look after, God knows we have a very busy life but Nikhil and I feel that right now our roles are to be parents to our two little baba's so why not add one more to the mix, if only for a short time.
A lot of "prep" work was endured in class. Role playing, reading individual cases, practicing discipline according to the state of California's allowance in how you can treat the children in your home. It was mind boggling how many "rules" are in place to protect these children. Don't get me wrong, I am not in any way complaining about the regulations put upon the resource parent. These laws and guidelines are in place for a reason or many reasons. These children have been traumatized and taken from their mother than placed in the home of strangers. We have heard all the stories about neglect, abuse, abandonment ect. These children have been placed in harms way and they need a safe home to rest while mommy get's her
shit act together. They shouldn't be subjected to more trauma, abuse and neglect at the hands of their Foster Family. DCFS introduced us to the ways you
ARE allowed to discipline children the children in your home including your own.
1. Be a Role Model....That means no more "Do as I say not as I do"
2. Provide the child with a Time Out
3. Provide Positive Reinforcement and Privileges
4. Take Away Priveledges
5. Provide Natuaral and Logical Consequenses
6. Ignore the Behavior
7. Ensure that restitution Occurs
8. Hold Family Meetings
9. Develop Behavior Charts
10. Grandma's Rule- "This for That"
11. Help the Child Understand Feelings
12. Replace Negative Time with Positive TIme
13. Provide Alternatives for Destructive Acting Out Behaviors
14. Make a Plan for Change with the child
15. Make a Plan for change with the child and a professional.
Those are all great ways to discipline or curb behaviors and ones we were very familiar with.
Long before I signed up to be a Foster Parent or Resource Parent as they are called now I was a believer in the
Positive Discipline method for raising my own children. That is not to say that I have not experimented with spankings, I think it hurt my heart way more than it taught a lesson. We all have our boiling point and children LOVE to push buttons. I swear it's their fun in life to watch mommy lose her marbles. That being said I've read Dr. Jane Nelson's books a few times over, always refreshing my mind to new ways of battling the terrible twos, threatening threes and my absolute favorite age Fierce 5's which I'm dealing with right now with Kingston.
FIVE CRITERIA FOR POSITIVE DISCIPLINE
- Is it kind and firm at the same time? (Respectful and encouraging)
- Does it help children feel a sense of belonging and significance? (Connection)
- Is it effective long-term? (Punishment works short term, but has negative long- term results.)
- Does it teach valuable social and life skills for good character? (Respect, concern for others, problem-solving, accountability, contribution, cooperation)
- Does it invite children to discover how capable they are and to use their personal power in constructive ways?
My husband was always very proud when he could whisper to me during class "Hey we already do that". "Ahhh ya babe we're pretty awesome parents" I would chime back but honestly it didn't come easy. My friend Devin turned me on to Dr. Nelson's approach years ago and I became an instant believer. I think my kids are pretty well mannered, they know the expectations we have for them, yes they test use daily but we are empowered with the knowledge that firm yet kind discipline teaches them how to be productive and self sufficient members of our society. They feel like they have a voice and they understand that there are always consequences to their behavior whether good or bad. I will continue to read from my library of parenting books as I am sure I will deal with situations I've never come across before. I'm treading in unfamiliar territory but my foundation is strong and my support system is even stronger. We can do this!
A pic of how I see our family one day...Maybe the boys are the older siblings in my case and the cute girls are the younger
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LOT of our friends and family ask us the same questions: "How are you going to give the child back?" "How will you not fall in love?"
Our answer is always the same. It is not our child to keep first off and yes it will be difficult to say goodbye, we will experience a loss as will our boys, we are fully aware and preparing for this. What we have learned in class that struck us the most is that it is in the best interest that a child be with their own mother. Sometimes people make mistakes, make bad choices and sometimes people get into situations that they can not get out of on their own. Does that mean they are bad people? Bad parents? Not worthy to be with their own kids? Not always. That is where we come in. Instead of focusing all our energies on the child, we get to help out a family. A mother and hopefully a father get their life back on track and get a second chance to be the mother/father they absolutely can be. We get to be their support system and hopefully their friends and when the child gets reunited with their mom and or dad we will celebrate because that is what we are all working towards. We will throw a party because it is not a sad moment, it is not our moment it is a wonderful moment that everyone should celebrate. It is a new beginning!!!!
I think all in all we as a family are pretty ready for this new chapter. I understand in my mind that things will not be everything we want them to be but my heart is in the right place. We aren't rich, we both work a lot, we have kids of our own and a house that's falling apart and credit card bills and big dreams and and and but damn it if I can reach one family, one mom and child and help them get back on their feet how selfish would I be if I put my own discomfort in front of that? This will not always be easy new challenges await around every corner but I'm a risk taker and this risk is worth taking.
Thank you for reading...keep checking in for updates on our expedition.
